not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Your cock deserves a montage
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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