I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
