my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
