I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
