Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
