Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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