She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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