is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
