The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
