loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
