It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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