My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
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