You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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