I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
