There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
