watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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