I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
