Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
