I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
