She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't put those talents on a resume
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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