I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Im part way to drunk.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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