Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
