The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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