Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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