Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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