she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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