Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
