apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
