I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
