All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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