Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
