I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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