no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
