bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
