Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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