I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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