he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
