I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
