oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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