FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
