I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
