and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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