He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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