mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
