So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sobbing to NWA
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
