I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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