If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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