come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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