It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
