Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I enjoy the company of your penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
