Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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